Funny storiesSee also:-Children’s songs -Fun car games Funny stories - short ones What did the traffic light say to the car? Don't look, I'm changing. How do you catch a squirrel? Climb up a tree and act like a nut. Teacher: Give me a sentence with the word 'analyze' in it. Pupil: My sister Anna lies in bed until nine o'clock. Which soldiers smell of salt and pepper? Seasoned troopers. What do you call a nervous witch? a twitch. What do you call a girl with the Titanic on her head? Mandy lifeboats. Who was the first underwater spy? James Pond. What has webbed feet and fangs? Count Quackula. What dog smells of onions? A hot dog. Where does a horse go when he gets sick? The horspital. Where does a duck go when he gets sick? The ductor. What did one lightbulb say to the other? I'm going out tonight. The other day my dad leapt eight feet in the air. I said, 'Dad, I didn't know you were a high-jumper.' He said, 'I'm not. Your mum dropped the iron on my foot.' Hear about this guy who lived right next door to a sewer and killed himself? The coroner said it was sewercide. This bloke said to my brother, 'I think I'm a clock you know.' My brother said, 'Well don't get wound up about it.' This bloke said to my brother, 'My trouble is I keep thinking I'm a strawberry.' My brother said, 'You're in a jam then aren't you.' The man said, 'My problem is I keep stealing things.' My brother said, 'You'd better take something for that.' Did you hear about the Hungarian ghost? He preferred ghoulash. My brother's trousers were split right down the back. He said, 'Mum says they're my Van Winkle trousers.' I said, 'What does she mean by that?' He said, 'They've got a Rip in them.' Funny stories - long ones Once upon a time there was a cruise ship sailing. On board, a magician was giving a show to some passengers. The magician ALWAYS had a parrot on his shoulder. Whenever the magician told a joke, the parrot would give it away. One time the magician had a knife, he spun it around it dissappeared! The parrot said "It's in his pocket, it's in his pocket". The crowd booed him because the parrot gave it away. The next trick he did, he waved a wand around and it vanished. Again, the parrot said, "It's up his sleeve! It's up his sleeve!" The magician got mad because he couldn't keep any of his tricks secret. The parrot kept giving them away. One day the cruise ship sank. The magician and the parrot managed to make it to an island where they stayed for about 3 months when the parrot, all of a sudden, burst out and asked: "Ok, I give up! Where'd you hide the ship?" This guy sees a sign in front of a house "Talking Dog for Sale." He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the back yard. The guy goes into the back yard and sees a mutt sitting there. "You talk?" he asks. "Yep," the mutt replies. "So, what's your story?" The mutt looks up and says "Well, I discovered this gift pretty young and I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leader, cause no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies eight years running. The jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger and I wanted to settle down. So I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings there and was awarded a batch of medals. Had a wife, a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired. "The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what hewants for the dog. The owner says "Ten dollars." The guy says he'll buy him but asks the owner, "This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him?" The owner replies, "He's such a liar." More long stories to come. See also: -Children’s songs -Fun car games |
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